So that was it! I submitted the last assignment of my university life. Ever. 1 day late but we shall not talk about that.

Come to think about it, it's pretty surreal how four years have just passed like that. Well, 3 years and 9 months if you don't count the holiday. 4 academic years, 7 semesters in NUS and 1 semester in Bonn. Just writing it down makes it feel so real.

I think I have mentioned many times before that I do not really get attached to places and institutions that easily. Or at least I don't feel those super overt emotions whereby I'm like "OMG I'm gonna miss NUS so much blah blah." I think my attachment comes at a much more subtle sense, like I would probably go past NUS in the future and all the memories will start flooding back in and then I'll be like "Wow OK." I don't know.

Is there a reason for my seemingly apathy?

I don't think I have ever learned how to feel properly. Feelings are not something that my family prioritises, especially for me growing up as a boy and having to conform to gender norms and ideologies and hegemony blah blah #soci. Then at 15 I'm thrown to an environment that doesn't really leave me a lot of space to feel. My cynicism towards all the loud and obnoxious celebrations of pride doesn't help.

But I don't think that I am completely apathetic to all the places I've been spending all my time in. Maybe the feelings will come when I move out of the hall that I've been staying in for the past 4 years and had 99% of my life-changing experiences in. Maybe I will feel sad on the first day of work when I realise that I no longer can wake up at 12pm to attend a class at 12pm, meet all my friends along the way and complain about an assignment together. Maybe I will feel sad sitting in UCC as an audience member watching the productions that I used to be a part of, reminiscing the times that I spent backstage being awkward, taking selfies and worrying about the impending performance.

I have been fortunate enough to be involved in so many things, had so much experience and met so many people. I guess sometimes it's overwhelming and my psyche reacts to that by creating a wall that doesn't let feelings and attachments creep in. Maybe it's that feeling of inadequacy and the constant need to please everyone that makes me become so recluse (ironically) because I'd rather everyone be happy without me that be unhappy with me. Makes sense? I don't know. And I don't know how my rambling went from graduating to personal deepshit again. LOL.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: life goes on, places will be missed, people will be remembered. Just another reminder to myself to stop and reflect once in a while. Be grateful that I've made it thus far, and strive on.

When the light turns off and the curtains close, all we have left is our memories.

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