I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I feel no drive, no motivation, no push to even get myself to study. Some may say that it's just the environment that I choose to be in (my room) that is hindering my ability to study, which is partially true since I'm quite sure if I drag myself to some public places I would study better, but again, what's the point? Really, if I want to do something I should be able to do it wherever I want to, or at least feel the drive to do it wherever I am, if you get what I mean. I feel to desperate to study which makes me not study and that makes me desperate all over again. It's like a vicious cycle of laziness. I saw a Tumblr post yesterday saying that laziness kills, and that is probably what is going to happen to me if I continue living like this. I feel like a lost monkey in the jungle, always looking so calm and cool and knowing what he's doing, but secretly inside he's helpless and aimless. At one point in time I was thinking "Wow, this must be how those people who cut themselves feel." It's like a sense of desperation that makes your body become worthless, useless, so you are willing to do anything to it. It's crazy, but that doesn't mean it's not real, neither is it that far away from anyone's imagination. But them I'm too much of a wuss to cut myself now lol. I've decided to move my Baileys into the fridge, just in case (i.e. tonight).
The thing is, education shouldn't be something that drives people into this kind of thinking and desperation. But it can, and I'm pretty sure it's not just happening for me (although I'm quite certain that it's happening to more people living in these competitive Asian societies - congratulations, you spot a stereotype!)
On a (probably) unrelated note, there's an article saying that Singapore is one of the most emotionless countries in the world. And yup, as predicted, I've seen a long and proud response to the article on Facebook which garnered thousands of likes and shares. I'm not going to debate this topic on the big scale (whatever that means), but on a personal note, I kind of have to agree with the article. Life here passes by so fast there's not much left for one to ponder upon their emotions anyway, unless there are some external forces poking at this very fact (or shall I say, accusation) that make the people all worked up about it. I'm not aiming this criticism at Singapore only though, I guess every country has the proud people and the skeptics. I will probably always be a skeptic when it comes to these debates on nationalism and patriotism and big political stuffs. Unless it's about Obama (congratulations, you spot a bias!).
I don't know if this has anything to do with my temporary emotional breakdown lol, but considering that this place has made me into someone who doesn't really feel the stress of education at any point of time ever since I came here, but now having these dark thoughts over my life all because of the almighty academia (alliteration?) (double! lol). Now that I think about it, maybe it's my defense mechanism that builds up the stress slowly on the inside without really showing it on the outside, but waiting to explode one day. Maybe that day you will see the article "University student
scholar dies due to laziness" HAHA how groundbreaking would THAT be, especially in a place like Singapore. But honestly, I would probably do ANYTHING right now to get transferred to LASALLE to study musical theater or pop music or SOMETHING that doesn't require me to sit on my ass for the whole day to study for some stupid finals. I would really prefer half a day sitting on my ass and maybe the other half in the dance studio or something. Really. Anything is better than this.
I'm feeling a bit crazy now, but at least I can write it out. Hopefully this will make me feel better. And Baileys.