*cue exam stress blog post

Or not.

For the past 3 semesters, I would get so stressed out every time I study for finals that I have to drink write a blog post to vent a little to keep my sanity. But not this semester. I'm 2 days before my first finals which I'm only halfway through (the slides, not to mention the amount of readings that I haven't done and the amount of knowledge that I totally don't understand), but yet I'm still so chill trying to finish my annoying assignment that is due this week because the module has no finals. Now I would actually appreciate a module without finals ONLY IF they do not have assignments due in Reading Week. Like really? But that's not the point.

I want to write this blog post to discuss a bit about my intellectual/academic life/journey/whatever. WOAH. I know I usually post angsty stuffs or reflections on significant events or whatever on my blog LOL but today's topic stems from one of the modules that I'm taking this semester. Now first of all, I don't consider myself as a very academic/intellectual person, because half of the time I feel like we are just arguing for the sake of arguing and it will not solve anything. More on that later. But still I see myself doing at least a Master's degree, because I do enjoy learning new things, and university so far has opened up my knowledge base on a lot of things that I wouldn't usually even realise (too much for my own good, I suppose). Yet I don't see myself being a little bit more intellectual or academic about anything, like I don't even study that much, but somehow I still want to. This probably doesn't make sense. But like, I see those people out there that are really into what they're doing, really inquisitive about the things they are learning, and I'm just here cruising along. One of the good/bad/amazing/horrible things about me, depending on how you see it, is that I don't really question what I'm being thrown at. I do, but I quickly come up with explanations that may or may not be true, and go along with my answers instead of throwing questions out there. Because of this mentality, I always feel like I'm not critical enough, especially when someone asks a question and I'm just like, wow, I totally didn't think of that. And I know that it's important to be critical to get the most out of what you learn, but I just can't (or I think I can't, which prevents me from actually being able to). I'm also not that responsive and spontaneous when it comes to thinking on the spot, so lots of time I just feel like I'm missing out on opportunities that I would have otherwise had the chance to learn more, only if I could think of the questions faster. I also feel that I'm very resistant to changes, and now that I realise that the essay format that got me crazy high CAP in freshman year (semester 1) will not bring me through the four years of university, when things get tougher, more critical, more demanding of brain juice, while I'm just here not putting enough effort into what I go to university for - learn.

*I avoid using the word "study", because in Singapore "study" is synonymous with "mug" which is another word that I hate. Call me pretentious, but I actually want to learn something from what I, well, study, and not to get a good grade. Not that grades are not important. Anyhew.

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