How sad is it that exams is the only thing that can trigger my emotions so much that I have to rant (whine) them out in a blog post?
I made a careless mistake in my first exam paper. It was just one MCQ question out of 80, and I don't really care so much that I get a bad grade for the module or anything (or maybe subconsciously I do). But the thing that keeps ringing in my head after the exam is that the mistake could have been avoided if I didn't doubt myself, because I actually learned the content (for one lol) and I was so sure about the answer until the 119th minute when I suddenly thought that the answer was wrong and, in a panic mode, changed it.
I'm certainly not that academically competitive (I hope), but I feel like people keep on giving me so much expectation and pressure just because I did well last semester. Everything I hear revolves around the idea "Oh you are so fucking smart, you probably don't need to study and can still get an A," (<- AP style, probably done incorrectly lol why am I even writing this?) and things like that. I know they are just joking, but there must be a part of them that believes in the statement, and it makes me feel like I'm depriving them of their deserved grades since they work so hard and do not get like As and shit. I know I don't work as hard as, heck, 90% of the population in this school, but so? Am I responsible for your shit grades? Why do you have to assume that I am so fucking smart and lucky and will get all the amazing grades without studying? Lol I know most of the people who say these things to me are my friends and they probably don't mean it that way, but that's how they make me feel sometimes and, idk, when shit things like what happened during my paper today happens, I can't help but think about all these assumptions. Like how I'm going to get an A anyway. Which I probably won't. Oh well. But then maybe it's no one's fault and I'm just setting the bar and all the assumptions by myself. After all, it's difficult to not be involved in this societal expectations of grades and studying and whatever.
Now I'm just rambling.
Anyway, back to today, things just got worse and worse. I missed buses, I bought things that I thought were what I wanted but then turned out to be taken my mistakes because I didn't bother to check anything anymore, I spent way too much money that I don't even know how am I going to save enough for my trip in July (I'm going to Bangkok! Comment if u want any gifts from me HAHA affordable things pls) (woots first time fishing comments).
Today is just not a very good day. But I guess I just have to remind myself to be grateful for all the good things that I've already got. Or try :)
Edit: right after I published this post, I read a friend's blog and she missed a section of her exam paper (that she would have answered well) which was worth 25 marks. Yes, maybe I'm still the lucky one here. Jiayou! You can do it :).